What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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