if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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