my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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