you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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