everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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