Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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