My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
