i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
