Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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