just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
