Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize