Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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