my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize