so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
me + whiskey = a bad person
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
