The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
