I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
