Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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