Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
