I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize