You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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