Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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