I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i've created a new STD.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
