I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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