nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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