Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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