So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
