How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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