and you said cock pushups were impossible
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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