so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
