She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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