You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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