first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
