There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
