what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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