Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
