im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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