I must be too annoying 4 u.
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
