We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
