so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i think i have herpe
just one?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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