when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
