Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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