i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
