The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
