I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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