He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize