I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize