She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize