I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
