omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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