So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
