I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
