the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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