Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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