I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
