Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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