Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
