gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
