I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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