My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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