grandma shit on top of the toilet
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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