I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
