If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
