You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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