She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
