I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
