I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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