i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize