i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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